it's overwhelming. it's still confusing and terrifying as all hell. it makes me blush and bashful. it consumes me and my eyes fill up. resisting it is pointless because it bubbles beneath the surface and builds until it takes my breath away and all i can do is give in and get swept away. the fact that i tried so long to ignore it makes it all the more powerful when it hits me all at once. i tried to change my mind but i never could, fully. i know now, it started with my heart, and my heart made up my mind. it hurts. i get that little lump in my throat and i feel like the clock is mocking me every time i look at it. its something i knew existed..
but never in a million years did i believe that i was going to end up being one of the lucky ones who gets to experience it. its up there with surviving a near-death experience... its like winning the lottery. you can't put a price on it. you can't force it. it's something that happens completely by chance.. and then it takes over. it's stepping out into a beautiful summer day. its realizing you have nothing left to be sad about. it's knowing and embracing the fact that, contrary to your passionate long-time belief that you know everything there ever was to know, you have more to learn than you have even begin to realize. and your life, despite how determined you were to defend your assumption that nothing interesting is left to happen, hasn't even begun. it's acknowledging your own powerlessness in as world where something bigger than you can even comprehend is at work. and then sitting back, saying "bring it on" and enjoying the ride.

okay maybe i got a little off track there.. but that pretty much sums it all up.


























i miss my boyfriend.