Two days left.
Two more chances to make it the best year ever.
What will YOU do?

Well, I actually had almost a whole page written out. But I decided certain eyes need not see such things, just yet. I'll leave those thoughts in my head, where they won't cause trouble.

Anywho...

Today marks the first successful vegetarian day. It's wasn't really that hard. I find it easy to say no, despite Lael's bitchily taunting me. I yelled at her. :) Problem solved.
Today I've been completely consumed with the what if's and the countless ambitions to which I could aspire. I guess it's only natural to float up to the clouds, being mere days from a brand new year. A new chance. Clean slate, if you will. So many things I've been meaning to get the ball rolling for. Every year is "the year" I'll make a dent. But seriously this time, (lol, as if that hasn't been said) WHAT IF?!
What if I actually got my shit together, kicked my ass enough to get my ducks in a row. I know I can do it all. I just lack consistent focus. One day my world exists for one thing, the next it's the farthest thing from my mind. Due either to preoccupation with something else, or just random loss of interest without any reason. This upsets me, too. I will work on that, this year. I will not get lost in the clouds. I will try to keep from being so incredibly inside my head and remember the deals I made with myself "yesterday".
I will not be careless with spending.
I will save and become independent, once again.
I will begin school in March.
I will be productive.
Ugh, so many other things. I've taken a couple steps and at least one leap back, this year. This past month, I think I've finally started to crawl my way forward. For now, it's baby steps for a little while I think.
One thing is certain. Success is mine. :D

Now I must get my rest. I have plenty of work ahead of me.
Goodnight, kiddies!

I do feel as if the last page of a chapter of my life was suspended mid-turn, for more time than was really appropriate. Yes, the big decisions are hard for me to make, but once I have finally landed on my right choice... it's done.
And it is.

There are only 7 more days left of the year 2008. I do not think it was a pleasant year. It went by fast, I think, because a lot of wrong choices were made. A lot of unsettling discomfort. A lot of giving in when I should have stood up and said something. A lot of the world have it's way with me and the saddest of all.... surrendering and letting it.
Now, everything feels incredibly fresh, in sync. A new year. A new confidence. A new start, though that couldn't begin to define it. I'll be going to school in March, if all goes as planned. :D I am extremely excited about it all.
AND I have come upon a New Years resolution, which may cause a rolled eye or two but whatever.. It's my thing. My idea. My ambition.
I have decided, after 11:59 tomorrow night (getting an early start. why not?) I will officially dedicate myself to Pescetarianism. I would try for full-blown Vegan but, sushi, I will remain very easily talked into having. That may change. It all depends on how it all goes. Based on my very small experience with it in the past, I think it will be a very good lifestyle choice for me, personally.
Might seem silly and people may not understand why but just STFU and support me, anyway :) It's a challenge, if nothing else. It'll be fun!

just
hold
out
till
spring.
till summer.
till
the environment
is
ideal.
take a week.
a couple weeks.
find a quiet place.
accompanied. unaccompanied.


escape.

It's surprising how many people have the same uneducated, non-researched, simple explanation for why we laugh or cry. Now I'm female so I can safely say I enjoy both and know the benefits I, personally, reap from them. But, I have a very picky, logical side that argues there needs to be more reason (for anything) than just an emotion or feeling. So!:
http://www.gibbsmagazine.com/CryinLaughing.htm

I like the 2nd half better. But, the whole thing is pretty interesting.
God, I love Google!

"Most mammals will produce tears in response to extreme pain or other stimuli, but crying as an emotional reaction is considered by many to be a uniquely human phenomenon, possibly due to humans' advanced self-awareness. Some studies suggest that elephants and gorillas may cry as well."


If there ever was an intended point to this, it is just that, despite a very well acknowledged logical side, I know there are things that cannot be explained in the detail required to convince one of anything other than: some things are simply a matter of faith, above logic. I will make clear that religion is NOT one of them (as I do not need THAT to validate my existence. Been there, done that. Yawn). No, there is but one mere element that is powerful enough to shake my belief that we are all here just to be here. Pointless and insignificant. Just another animal dominating this planet. I am not alone, as I have heard/read it. I am ever-guided by a voice I was convinced no one else could hear. Surely if they did, this world would be a much better place.

Hence, I am fascinated. In search of a catch, without proof that one exists. I am an optimistic pessimist. :) Waiting to be proved wrong.

I get this way. Restless, nervous, anxious, unsettled. Usually, given the environment was ideal, I would go treading off into the streets. Walk around. Wander off. Get "lost" for a while and clear my head. Eventually figure out what is bothering me. However, my level of agitation is not quite high enough for me to want to go out into the arctic air, right now. So, I sit... I think. I pour it all out through my fingertips.

I get this way. My imagination carries me away. I think the best. One little thing happens, doesn't happen, I think the worst. It's not too late to turn around. It's safer. Back out. Won't make a difference. It's all in your head anyway. There you go, idealizing again. It's too great, too good to be true.

It couldn't possibly be.


This is a dangerous point. It's what awakens the little voice in my head that tells me how to behave. How to walk, talk, react. Tells me how to get the upper hand and manipulate the situation. And it isn't me.
Why, then, do I get this way? Perhaps it's that pesky little.. pending... detail, causing the devil and angel on my shoulders to play a rough game of tug of war with my heart (Not over who - but WHEN). Fulfill a promise or desire?

Well, I say enough. P.S. I Love You, however cheesy and sweet and painful to watch, is doing a surprisingly good job at cheering me up. :)

Denise: [Denise is admiring Ted as he walks by] Ooohhh, he's delicious isn't he? I'd serve coffee on that ass.
John: Do you have to be so vulgar about men? Like they're pieces of meat?
Denise: I'm sorry, John. I forgot you're sensitive about your flat ass.
John: You know, Denise, that's why you're not married. Women act like men. Then they complain men don't want them.
Denise: Oh, is that why? 'Cause I thought it was something different. I thought that it was 'cause I deserved the best and he's out there. He's just with all the wrong women. And let me be clear. After CENTURIES of men looking at my tits in stead of my eyes and pinching my ass instead of shaking my hand, I now have the *DIVINE* right to stare at a man's BACKSIDE with vulgar, cheap appreciation if I want to!
Sharon: Well said!

Hehehe!

"A kiss is a lovely trick
Designed by nature to stop speech
When words become superfluous"
Ingrid Bergman

Blowing kisses originated in Mesopotamia around 3000 B.C. when pious pagans would throw kisses to their gods.

"Ancient lovers believed a kiss would literally unite their souls, because the spirit was said to be carried in one's breath."
Eve Glicksman


"Then I did the simplest thing in the world. I leaned down... and kissed him. And the world cracked open."
Agnes de Mille


How could I turn back now?

A pentagram is a five-pointed star drawn in one unbroken line which represents the human figure and also the elements with spirit taking precedence over the lower four elements.


I was once told, at the Renaissance Festival in California, that a pentagram (upright; one point on top) is for protection. Why was I told this? The above meaning makes it even more appealing. :)

Some of us are just lucky enough to know it.

Life is a spiritual journey.
And sometimes all you have to do is show up
and have a little faith that something
completely amazing is possible any day.

And every now and then,
right when you lease expect it,
something amazing does happen.

And you are no more in control
than a feather is of the wind.
All you know is that the force moving you is so strong
that you just hang on in wonder.

There is nothing but the moment
and the sense of dancing with angels.

So ALIVE..."

Change stormed on in. Awoke my passion from hibernation. Who knows when it would've come back to me. Shook my beliefs on what I thought life HAD to be, one way or the other. I'm sorry for all the times I lied to and compromised myself. It's easy to let anger creep it's way in when I think about it. The unfairness of it all, on both parts.

I have returned.

The tension. Oh the tension. i don't know how to think right now. I catch myself. I reprimand myself. I feel the pressure. Then I lose focus, again. I feel excited again.
I need to slow down and think. Collect myself. Take a step outside and use that perspective. It makes me lightheaded and dizzy.
I don't want to want to sleep anymore. I want to open my eyes. Take a deep breath and finally exhale.

I want to remember my dreams, too.
& I want to see you there.