okay, so much is happening.. or going to happen very very soon. my last day at OUC is the 29th (god, i hope). depending on if i can be replaced by a woman who will be in Florida. it is unknown if she can be back by then.. if not i'll have to wait it out till she can.
THEN... i should already be moved into the new apartment with Larisa. i saw the place today. its very cozy lookin'. omgomgomg.. i'm so freaking excited it's not even CLOSE to funny. i've been an anxious wreck since we came up with the idea. so then i'll be babysitting Gloria from 12pm to 9pm, Mon.-Fri. ugh. that's gonna be.. ew. but that's not even all...
i went back to Kroger today (lol... sad. never thought i'd be saying that again) and applied for 3rd
shift. i have AMAZING timing too, because the lady that has been doing 3rd shift on weekdays for YEARS & YEARS just transferred out of that location about two weeks ago. & i was told that the people who have been taking over that shift have all sucked because they don't know what they're doing. considering that I have experience working 3rd shift there... and on weekends no less.. i think it's safe to say the job is mine. mr. manager man said he'd give me a call back after christmas. and i'll be damned if he's just saying that to get me to leave him alone. hell.. that won't stop me. i'll call that fucker every single day till i get that job. that's good fucking money, compared to what i've been making at least. also, if all goes well, i'll be getting 40+ hrs/week and that will entitle me to - *gasp* - benefits!!! :D
jesus, i hope this all works out. ugh. i do i do.

and tomorrow night, i'm going to eat triple stack jellybeans. *drool* oh, god. i will be in the clouds. no one will ever be able to bring me down :D

jesusfuckingchrist.
yes.

in less than ten hours, my mother will be boarding a plane to Europe. she will be there until sometime mid-january.... just a heads up:
if something happens to her on the way, during, or on the way back... i will cease to be.

i will let go of everything i thought i cared about. i will drink heavily until this life has its way with me. i will not take her advice and move along. i will join her via apathy regarding my well-being. and no one will ever see me again (figuratively or literally).

this is what i've realized tonight, after thinking about the possibilities.
i worry more than i thought i would. and i love my mother very VERY much.

i guess i can finally reveal to the people of the internet ...i'm not sure why, but i have a weird... crush.. thing ..

conan o'brien totally rocks my socks!!

lol. i watch him almost every night and he's just so hilarious. ugh. i scare myself sometimes. but, god, i love that man. lol

oh my god....

ROFLMAO!!


i am troubled.

i've got some exciting news! especially if it actually happens! :D
okay, so mark is moving to minnesota ( :[ ) but we've come up with a plan that will make the departure easier to take. so far, we're planning on us two driving up there. its about a two day drive and along the way were gonna eat delicious jelly beans *wink* at a hotel in some strange unfamiliar town and i'm so excited i could SCREAM! then, i'll spend a day or two there and fly back. its gonna be extremely awesome. a memory not soon forgotten, i'm sure.
i haven't flown in forever. i love it.

not much happened today.
i help my mom move her shit to her new ..residence. for the 5 millionth time this year. woot. then we went for some OG. because we are in fact OG's. oh yes kiddies, it is true.
her roommate where she's moving from, got a puppy rotweiler. it was adorable. then it poop'd in its cage and my nostrils were horrified. so it was no longer cute, and i went back to being in love with her awesome sweetness Daisy:

THEN we went to walmart so she could get a few things and, on the way out, i was lucky enough to witness this purdy sunset

ah the world is such a beautiful place if you stop and open your eyes every once in a while. :)

i was fiddling around with fruity loops the other day and came up with a little something and redid the vocals for "Rudy".
this can all be heard at http://soundaddicted.blogspot.com by the end of the night ...for FREE! that's almost unheard-of! lol. but whatever, i'm done speaking.

now shoo!!

goodnight beautiful, wonderlous world. :)

i guess i have some stuff to get off my chest. i'm heavily buzzed, so look fast. this may very well be gone tomorrow.
***i'm keeping this posted so i can come back and refresh my memory when i'm feeling not too sure.***

oh where to start... i'm a bitch.
i've been justifying walking over and disregarding perfectly good people, all because i was irreversibly hurt two years ago.
i was naive. i was open. i was hopeful, and now i know better...... i wish i didn't.
i'm taking out my feelings of betrayal and injustice,, that i still have pathetically kept in my subconscious, on people that i truly believe would never intentionally harm me in any way. i am so sorry to EVERYONE i have hurt. it has never been any one of you. its been me, all along.
i'm fucked. i don't know what to do. i've been lost for a long time. there is no excuse for my being insensitive and hurtful. i know i lead on, i don't know why. its horrible and it keeps me up at night. i'm not conscious.
but the last thing i want is help. i NEED to figure this out on my own. its time to step up to the plate and get this shit out of my head for good.
that is why i need to say goodbye to one person who fuels it all.
he will never read this, because he doesn't and never has cared enough to look, but here it is anyway, for the hope that maybe one day he'll stumble upon it and realize why the girl he used to know, that he had so much history with, has gone away.

i truly do think you are amazing. and i can't fucking fathom why. i have had deeper conversations. i've heard words i want to hear from perfectly able people. something about you FUCKING PARALYZES ME! in every way possible. i can't think. i can't move and i can't FUCKING THINK FOR MYSELF WHEN I KNOW I'LL HEAR FROM YOU IN A DAY OR TWO! YOU'VE MADE ME BITTER. YOU'VE MADE ME HATE MY FUCKING SELF FOR TOO GOD DAMN LONG!!!!!!!! YOU'VE UNDERESTIMATED ME. YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR GRANTED. THE ONE PERSON I ALLOW MYSELF TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR...AND YOU'VE SHREDDED THEM TO PIECES BEFORE. what the fuck kind of logic is that???! you turn me into someone i'm not and YOU DON'T FUCKING DESERVE IT! you don't deserve anything i've ever given you. i wasted myself on you. i threw myself away the day i met you and i wish... oh fucking god i wish i could take that away. i'm not one to regret, but i would take it back in a heartbeat if it meant i could be who i was before i met you. hell, i'd take it back just to take it back. you're pathetic. you disgust me.
you are a sad excuse of a human being.
this, i will not regret saying. its long overdue and i hope you feel like shit because you KEEP LOSING THE BEST THING YOU HAVE GOING FOR YOU!
happens every time. i deserve so much better.


how does it feel to be given up on?

have a nice life. hope it was worth it.

IF YOU DON'T REPOST THIS, YOU WILL BE SINGLE UNTIL YOU'RE 45. NO JOKE. PUT:

MAKEOUT -- (if you're taken)

KISSING IS FUN -- (if you like someone but waiting to find out how they feel about you)

S-E-X -- (if you're in love)

FUCK ME-- (if your single)

BLOODY ROSE -- (if you're about to give up)

PECK ON THE LIPS -- (if you rape spidermonkeys)

:( -- (if there's no point in liking the person you like)

WEED-- (if ur just taking life as it comes)

WHITE ROSE--(if ur a pirate)

BIG BOOBS -- (if your a ninja)

LOSER-- (If your a random freak)

G-u-NOT--(if u have a boner and u are named justin)

SLUT--(if u are batman)

MARIJAWANNA--(if uare named miles)

DOUCHEBAG -- (if you think this is fucking stupid)

now punch yourself in the face for reading this far.
SOMETHING GOOD the same shit that has been happening to you WILL HAPPEN TO YOU AT 11:30am TOMORROW ....again.

as i sit here listening to this song, i wonder....
will this ever stop? this constant god damn hopeless loneliness. it never quits. i'm sick of it.
i'm starting to think this is it for me. this is what i'm meant to experience. i know, i'm only nineteen. i have very very long.... sometimes i think TOO long to go until its too late. but the more time that is stolen from me, the closer i am to the notion that i will remain this so often overlooked, underestimated, little creature existing in the shadows of the world. confined to my custom-built prison in this fucking thing i carry on my shoulders.
i may be getting close to what i want... but i fear it will chase me away. i will drift off into the distance, yet again. i'll lose sight of anything familiar. i will be a machine.
i hope i will be able to turn myself around again. i predict disaster. at least this time i haven't pulled my hopes up.

Brandon Routh
James Franco *twitch*
Hugh Jackman
Johnny Depp, mmm
Ioan Gruffudd
Clive Owen
& that Chris Daughtry guy

...if i was in a room with all of them at once, i think i would drop dead right there.
they're all smokin' hot. but But, out of all the intense celebrity crushes i've had, i think Brandon Routh has brought me to a new level. *sigh* i want him. dammit.

*dies*