this is how these significant songs effected my life... once.. still..
"no one else":
june.
& june's dusty, red clay, powder house. the phantom of the opera. mom hated living there. i loved visiting. but, i have my car. i have myself. i have discovered that i am mobile. i am not confined. i can live. i can love as i please. i am untouchable.
(this was not true.)
hot sun.
the prospect that i am onto something grant.
the awesome feeling that i have a secret. all my own. no one knows.
the prospect that i may be okay. i may be better off. i may need no one.
becoming uncomfortable with the idea that i need.
becoming fond of the knowledge that i need not... in order to self sustain. multiple meanings. multiple consequences.
"waking dream":
I am living in my own fantasy. i want to believe so badly, i do. but, i am too clever to fall. i see what's going on. i cut off contact. i recluse. i begin my foundation. i mix the mold. i concoct the perfect ideal.
july:
i still drive to june's to see mom. i have comfort there. i fall in love with daisy. i become slightly alert to the idea that she may know. may or may not understand. either way, she is safe. she relates whether she knows it or not. i have an escape. she cares... but she cannot judge. she is safe.

august:
"rooftop"
i live with lael. i want to be alone. i like the little reality i've come up with. leave me alone. i am utterly depressed. utterly sorry for myself. and utterly content. i've discovered masochism. i have realized i don't need the pity of others, in fact, i feed off of the lack of it. it hurts so much. i feel so god damn bad & it feels so god damn good.

december, sometime: "rooftop"
no boys matter. nothing matters. but, i have decided. as soon as i move into larisa's...
i will have a lot of time to myself. i want to push myself. i want to see the limits. i want to push them too. i realize how easy it is. all it takes is a little thought. i will do what it takes.

january: "it can only get better"
he emerges. he begins to work his way under my skin. i acknowlege. i do not give significance. i have a mission. maybe i was wrong....

june: "dreaming"
new apartment. oh my god.
freedom.
then solitude... bringing with it clarity. peace. PURITY. energy. happy.
it's that easy.
it's that hard.
it only took me two weeks with a solid determination.
they nitpicked more when i began to reverse the process. i forgot.
now i remember.
so, watch this...


i ask no advice.
i seek no guidance.
i am pissed.
i know how it's done.
i will break down any who stand in my way.
i am determined.

yet again. yet never more so, before..
ha.fucking.ha!