it's a nice night out, tonight. not hot, but not cold. perfect :)
i'm drinking one of those diet lipton green teas with citrus & it's awesome. they were selling 1.5 liters of them at wallie world for 98¢. Thanks Max!! :D lol
oh, what to talk about. i'm in a good mood. a little bummed that SOMEONE wasn't still online when i got back. but it's okay, there will be other times, i'm sure.
Mom's gonna take me job hunting tomorrow. and to reschedule the GED placement tests since i didn't make it the other day. that really fucking lets me down. i can't fucking believe i was late. god damn it.
aaaaaaaand back to being happy. lol. i'm actually a little tired. there's no reason for me to be up so i'm gonna go sleep away.

goodnight world!
♥

i need to get this away
from my abstracted state of musing
break this perfect thought
i'm not open for your using
i'll sting myself before i let you
sting me with you contradicted virtue

these men, i love.

well, my alarm didn't go off this morning. my inner blondeness made me for get to actually turn ON my alarm last night. still, no excuse. but i was awake 30mins before i was supposed to be at the place. we left 20mins later & the traffic was horrible. we got there 5mins late. i asked a woman if i was too late to take the placement test & she decided to direct me to the place i was just standing, only to realize again that, by the time someone was free to answer my question, i would surely be too late. so i got pretty upset as i walked back out to the parking lot. my sister got mad at me because i wasted her time. fuck Cobb County and their pathetic excuse of an "Adult Education Center". they put people through too much bullshit, & i doubt any of it is worth it. so i am going to see what KSU has to offer me in the GED department.
so now, i sit here. drinking my chilled green tea. mmmm. i would've had it hot, but it's pretty uncomfortable for my already swollen tongue.
oh yea, i forgot to mention on here, i got my tongue pirced!
that picture is the night i got it done (two nights ago, i think) i like it. my lip ring is still my favorite, i guess because tongue rings are so popular. and lip rings aren't AS popular amongst non-emo/non-goth/non-whatever people.
i like that word "amongst".. say it! ..see? it's fun! lol
anywho...







you know what i love? that new lipton green tea with citrus. mmm mm good.
i've never had the diet kind, though. don't imagine green tea could get much healthier. & lipton is all natural, so yea. but i'm probably boring whoever happens to read this. so i'll go on to better things...







we got a water filter, today (lol much more entertaining subject, i know).
ugh, i'm starting to get more and more stressed about not having a job. i don't want my life to go back to me laying around all day and doing nothing at all productive. it's time to wise up and get my shit done. i've decided i'm gonna put forth more effort to helping my sister out. just with daily stuff. like the dishes. and keeping the place tidy. i've been a lazy fuck, and i don't want to be anymore. it's nothing to be proud of. anyway... no one's gonna read this. & i have nothing important to say. so....

bye!
♥

oh and one last thing:
FUCK the whore who kept calling me on a blocked number at 1am when i was trying to sleep and not saying anything because she's too chicken shit. but, i guess i don't blame her. if i weighed 300lbs i would be embarrassed too.

am i not alive?
am i not awake?
i don't know which feeling to latch onto
or if i had a choice
drawn to the tall stick figures
but why?
my strides will wash away this mess
because, what am i to think?
i was the happiest mid-sun
then i went down with it
but it's not me no not i
the wind will blow me wherever it may
because i can recognize
and surrender to a greater power
i mustn't forget this
belief that isn't so hard to believe

today i embrace the past.
these postcards immortalize their moments.



this one especially. there's something comfortable about it.








...anywho.
i'm hungry. i haven't had much to eat today because i've been nauseous on and off all day. and then there's this sharp pain in my stomach. it sucks. i took some extra strength pepto so maybe i will be able to eat some dinner tonight.
my sister cooked some sort of fish and organic yams or something. i'm not a big fan of yams. but they were good last time she made them so i'll have a little tonight.
i know this information is fascinating. ;)
right now my sister, Larisa, is on her way here from Columbus with my neice. she picked up my Mom on her way. i have not seen my Mother in a few weeks. maybe a month. i miss her. it will be nice to see her again. she wants me to buy beer. this i will do, because drinking with my Mom is fun. she starts deep & sometimes philosophical conversations that i don't often get to have with other people. i've tried with my sister, Lael. but that doesn't always work out for the best, because i have this thing for contradicting her. actually come to think of it, i contradict a lot of people. even if i share their opinion. i don't know why i do this. i guess i just like to debate. and i like when things are seen from all perspectives. makes conversation easier, maybe. i don't know.
i even contradict myself. but that's probably only because i can't seem to make up my friggin mind! *sigh* oh well.
i'm feeling much better, emotionally, today than i was last night. sleep did me good. i had that dream. keeps popping into my head. i don't know why.

it's not important.

but, i like dreams. they say dreams are what keeps us sane. & it is unknown weather we could live without at least a little sleep. this documentary i watched showed a kid who went 3 weeks (?) without sleep. all i have to say is.... how?! i could NEVER do that. i start tripping out at the 30 hour mark.
okie dokie, i am done.
goodnight world.
♥

i find myself in his living room. large square bluish glass coffee table in front of a large couch. with a dining room behind it and a door in the corner.
i know him, but i don't know him, really. i did. kind of.
we talk as i did long ago, when i liked someone. smiley. sarcastic. flirty. i can't remember what exactly was said but the feeling was mutual.
a friend of his who has been in the backgroud, able to hear our conversation, walks by. long hair. grungy looking. he introduces the friend, i say hello with a smile. he introduces the friend, he says a very abrupt "HI." as if he is annoyed. then walks behind us to the dining area.
we continue our conversation. all along having that little-school-girl-with-a-crush feeling in the back of my mind. i thought to myself, "this time i'm doing what i want. carpe diem."
so i sat on his lap, facing him. stradling him. in the flirtiest of ways, but not taking it too far, as there were other people in the distance. i'm not sure what was said. whatever it was, i tried to be cute about it.
more of his friends walk in the house and start talking to him. i sit back down next to him, watching and listening to their conversation. they ask if i've met the grungy looking long-haired fellow. he tells them the diologue, and one of his friends says, "oh, he MUST have liked you if all he said was hey!"
they finish their conversation. and we pass the moments together. i end up kissing him and the world around us no longer exists. just him and i.
"how is this happening? i thought i was unable to like someone like this again."
we keep on for a few moments.
his friends are in a sort of conversation with him, all of their attentions are on the conversation, even if they are not apart of it.
i hear, "all he said was hi?"
another person, "oh, he MUST like you!"
the friend hangs his head low. not in embarrassment, just as he has nothing to say or doesn't want to say anything.

i hear my name, "Mariangela!"...


..........."MARIANGELA!!!"

my eyes open. i roll on my other side to face the door. look around the room, wondering what just happened. look at the clock. freeze for a moment, to stretch. look at the door, because someone is about to walk through it.
the knob turns. my nephew is in the doorway with his hand still on the doorknob,
"we're about to leave"

ugh. i don't know how to feel right now. i saw the Davinci Code. & i know it's just a movie but it got me believing a little again. it would be really nice if i could fully believe. who knows what could happen though. i can't stand the thought of going to church. that dulls passion, in my opinion.
talked to Natalie today for the first time in like 2 years probably. she's in a bad situation. it pisses me off cuz i still consider her one of my best friends. she's awesome. i'm gonna help her out.
but what's bugging me at the moment: lonliness i guess.
i'm so sick of this single bullshit. i mean, 80% of the time it's cool and i like having no one to answer to and my business is my business. but, there's always that little 20% tugging at my heart. as corny as that may sound. i should remember by now that it's not just a matter of "oh plenty of guys would go out with you, just pick one" i've thought about just picking one before. but it just wouldn't work. i CAN'T be with someone and give them my time if i'm not feeling it. i need that connection. i, honestly, envy the girls who can. because i can't. forcing myself into an uncomfortable situation just makes it worse and makes me end up resenting the person. ugh. why am i so hard to please. I can't even please myself. i'm doomed.
i've accepted the fact that i'm probably gonna end up alone. even though i'm young, and that's not something to be worrying about right now (i'm not worrying) ...it's still probably true. i'm too flighty when it comes to that. i only know one person who didn't make spending the rest of my life with someone such a FUCKING GOD AWFUL TERRIFYING thought. & well... we saw how that turned out. i guess that's just how things were meant to go. i don't know how much i believe in god but i do think things happen for a reason and i'm going to trust that maybe this universe knows what it's doing. i'm sure things will be okay. this is just the kind of crap that clouds my mind as i daydream. nothing serious. just sad. hopeless. alone. *sigh*
someone save me from everything.
i think i need a big ol' hug.

you know it's hot.

i thought i would fix the problem of myself not having any pics with my neice. and a lot of my nephew. so i got cam happy! :D


i like this'un.


more closerly


Draven wanted in the shot.


on my bed. she's more model-esque.


yup. i love her lots.


my fav.


artish fartish.


i had to tell her something.


and then i was serious... but she wasn't.


that is all.
i shall speak my multitudes later. right now i need unconsciousness.
& charlotte's web is creeping me out... "I don't wanna die!! i don't wanna die!!!"
This is why i don't eat pork. Or am i a Jew.
SEE?!! i need my sleep!!
♥

i just read this really sweet thing about mothers. made me think about mine. she's awesome. her birthday is coming up and i really wish i had money so i could do something special for her. but whatever.
i think Saosin should make ONE cd with ALL their songs on it. because i don't feel like buying two CDs just because both of them have one or two songs that i love incredibley. i love Saosin incredibley. their not coming to the east coast for the warped tour makes me very sad and a little bit pissed off. what the fuck is their problem?! lol. they came last year. it makes no sense. they're losing big money and many MANY fans are disappointed. but, i'm the only one that matters, of course. ;)
yesterday i hung out with Kayla and her friends as her birthday thing. we went to the Cheesecake Factory. *drool* and then to the Masquerade & watched some bands. there was an abundance of hot guys there. yum.
haha this is kind of what Kayla's parents rented:

'cept it was all white. and way awesomer.
one of the bands.. the Audition, i think... brought Kayla on stage and got the whole masquerade to sing her happy birthday. that's pretty sweet.
anywho, that's all i have to say.

♥bye.

wow. it's interesting to see who really views your profile. fortunately for me, i have smart friends. one of whom helped me get an actual myspace tracker. so, if you've viewed my profile since 1:24am May 11th, i've probably known about it. and for how long. and how many times that day. lol. it's great.
like i said, interesting seeing who's been peeking at my page. i keep telling people i see EVERYTHING but they just don't believe me. oh well. their fault.
last night i went and saw The Mandrake Theory & Future Hero at the YMCA ...benefit? was it? i have no idea. but it was nice to get out. Mark took me. that was fun. Kayla and i we retards, as always.
i've been watching National Geographic shows all day. they've been playing these shows about prisons and stuff. its cool seeing how different life can be from how i see it daily. i mean, i'm sure it's not cool for them. but they got themselves there so they can stfu!! :)
i don't have much to say. procrastination is a bitch and if i don't do something soon i'm going to be without a job =/

ARGH!

my hands are cold.

aww look
that's the Ottawa i remember :)

isn't it purdy?!

i don't remember that much of it. but i remember it being a really nice place. i even liked winter there... WINTER!!!... THERE!! i don't know maybe things are just better in canada.
so, who's coming with me?

are located here:
http://www.geocities.com/mustb3dreaming/blog.html
don't ask why.
i can never make up my mind.