One this is certain..

There will always be chaos. There will always be confusion. People will always make their assumptions without the facts. People will not think to think before they act or speak. They will become annoyed, frustrated and angry.. sometimes downright furious. Over petty little requests or premature conclusions concocted in their own stupid little brains. They will not understand. This is what I have desensitized myself to. I know it's to be expected. Period. There is no question about it. It will be so, and that's that.

Now, depending on my mood and the energy of the specific day.. I can easily let it slide. I can give my silent sympathies and accept that they most certainly know not, nine times out of ten. And I cannot hold against them what they do not know. I know I'd probably make the same mistakes if I didn't know better.

But then, there are days like today. Where it seems every direction I turn is another mess up. Another angry patient I have to stop the pile of work I'm lost in to try and help find out what's wrong and do some damage control, pushing me further behind in everything else. It's the vicious cycle that goes spiraling out of control occasionally which may by some chance luck can be prevented if recognized early. But you can only take control of this kind of day in the first couple hours. After that, you're hopeless. Might as well sit back and strap on your armor because you are in for a spastic, uncontrollable, wild beast of a day. Of course, this will never kill you. It's not enought to leave you emotionally scarred or in need of weekly therapy sessions. Perhaps, at most, some mild medication to calm the tested nerves. But overall it's tolerable. You have a bad day, you go home, you take a deep breath and end the day a little more equipt to deal with it than the day before. It toughens the shy little goodie-goodie skin. You come to expect the random senseless behavior people develope when they walk through the door. You realize things about the way people are. You may even realize a couple things about yourself through them. For example: There are many types of "sick behavior". Are you the angry sick? Are you the quiet sick? Perhaps you become inexplicably kind and sympathetic, "Outstanding balance? Okay, here. Take it. I'll do anything you want. Just get me better." Maybe you're the blind type who storms on in like a bull in a china shop demanding to be seen NOW and not a second later because SURELY despite the full waiting room YOU are the ONLY person in need of medical assistance. Despite the fact, which you don't even bother to ponder, that the little old lady in the corner might just not be here for a regular check up. No, lets venture outside of our little boxes and entertain the idea that ..hmm.. maybe she's had chest pain and difficulty breathing for the past week. But oh GOD let's not worry about that because YOU'VE got a funny looking testicle and the Doctor just HAS to poke and prod it first! As I said.. there are days when this is all just fine and dandy. I keep the vision in my head of myself laughing about it all once the day's over with.

But there are days like today where everything goes to absolute horse shit and it's more than you can withstand. You feel like everything you do, every decision you make about where everything you're expected to do ranks on the priority list, every explaination as to "why you haven't been called back to see the doctor when you've been here twice as long as everyone else" has been completely wrong. Patients act as if you've been huddled behind the desk the entire time, holding their chart hostage in a death grip from the nurse because it's my preeeecious! and GOD DAMN IT I'M DETERMINED TO KEEP YOU FROM SEEING THE DOCTOR!!!

Days like this I have nothing left to give. I'm out of ideas. Out of energy. Out of things to say. Just nod. Agree. Carry on. Try not to complain. Keep quiet. Don't say anything that could get you in trouble. Think about once the day's over and how you're going to go home, kick off your shoes, curl up in bed and recharge so you can try again tomorrow to get it all right.

Bad days... no.. difficult days are more often than harmonious ones in this job. A girl needs to vent sometimes. Now I can shake myself out of this dissociation and get my job done. And go home. And rest.

it's overwhelming. it's still confusing and terrifying as all hell. it makes me blush and bashful. it consumes me and my eyes fill up. resisting it is pointless because it bubbles beneath the surface and builds until it takes my breath away and all i can do is give in and get swept away. the fact that i tried so long to ignore it makes it all the more powerful when it hits me all at once. i tried to change my mind but i never could, fully. i know now, it started with my heart, and my heart made up my mind. it hurts. i get that little lump in my throat and i feel like the clock is mocking me every time i look at it. its something i knew existed..
but never in a million years did i believe that i was going to end up being one of the lucky ones who gets to experience it. its up there with surviving a near-death experience... its like winning the lottery. you can't put a price on it. you can't force it. it's something that happens completely by chance.. and then it takes over. it's stepping out into a beautiful summer day. its realizing you have nothing left to be sad about. it's knowing and embracing the fact that, contrary to your passionate long-time belief that you know everything there ever was to know, you have more to learn than you have even begin to realize. and your life, despite how determined you were to defend your assumption that nothing interesting is left to happen, hasn't even begun. it's acknowledging your own powerlessness in as world where something bigger than you can even comprehend is at work. and then sitting back, saying "bring it on" and enjoying the ride.

okay maybe i got a little off track there.. but that pretty much sums it all up.


























i miss my boyfriend.