I bare the weight of a world on my shoulders right now, it feels. I couldn't begin to know where to begin. It's enough to leave me breathless. Its wrong. It feels more right than right has ever felt before. Maybe I'm just in a daze and ...fuck what it could be. I've NEVER said that before. I always go over the pros and cons and who would suffer and "surely the only right way is to make everyone happy and who cares how I feel, it's not about me, fuck me. Who am I? No one understands so I should shut the fuck up with all my whining and con-fucking-form to an idea that everyone else doesn't sneer at! At least then I would feel 'in place' and everyone will smile and inside I'll know it all started out on the wrong fucking foot and I'm just fooling myself but what the fuck i'm here merely to serve the masses and please everyone else so lets just live on autopilot and abandon all original thought and everyone will be happy but me. and it won't make one bit of difference. :) at least i won't be loneley (oh yes i will) at least i'll have something to focus on (disappointment and wondering why the fuck i never seem to be in the room.... WHEN I'M IN THE ROOM)"
WRONG.
i'm tired. this isn't romantic anymore. i've seen the ass end of someone i thought was ...it. and it ain't pretty. there's still a bitter aftertaste lingering in my reverie. there was a disconnect. disconnecting from any romantic facade we had bubbling on the back burner. it's, honestly, nothing short of a fucking miracle that i'm not absolutely enraged by what was said.

an air came about. blew the steam away. i'm still catching my breath. what is this? i like it. it's foreign, feels like home. to be understood. to hear my words come, without suggestion, with another voice.
goosebumps. two days. my foundations are rumbling... my dreams made realistic. i'm not walking on air. i'm dancing with it.

earth help me.
i feel a change.

What do we do when we fall so far down that the only remaining direction to go is up? Why we pick ourselves the fuck back up, we dust ourselves off. We flip the necessary switches and flick the metaphorical matches to light a fucking firestorm beneath ourselves in announcement that we are no longer playing infantile games. We are all grown up now. The rules are made clearer than ever before and we realize once again that we are not foreign to the scheme of things. We just need to get our heads out of the clouds. Or back up in the clouds. Or wherever it needs to be to make ourselves able to
DO
WHATEVER
IT
TAKES.
I will do whatever it takes.
No more games.
No more excuses

And I absolutely cannot escape. At least until june. And I'm shocked.. that anyone's shocked that I am crawling out of my skin. I am physically disrupted and I cannot stand it. Freedom comes with the price of anger and complaints. This is my worst nightmare. I am in a prison. Please.. god. It's killing me. The end.

ladies and gentlemen of the internet. I am very proud to exclaim I VOTED this year!!!
Though my election only won the battle and not the war. I felt a great deal of patriotic pride in the midst of it all. :)

However... I must admit I am equally dissappointed in the fact that our next president is so for the wrong reasons. It's depressing to know that the very thing so many or our elders fought for has merely changed sides. It's petty. It's sad and pathetic. People are greedy & thoughtless & do not deserve the right to choose with ignorant selfishness.

Ugh! I am genuinely worried for this country. Anyone but him. I do not trust him. Something about that specifc man. All things aside (as always) there is something about him that just feels wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.
God help us.

Well this will be my 304th entry. Getting damn close to the equivalent of one entry every day for a year. I pat myself on the back. Yet I have had this thing for... three years? Lol then it doesn't look so good. Poo. I don't even think anyone reads this thing anymore. My passion has calmed and there is nothin left to get me all worked up. At least nothing anyone wants to hear about. I'm workin on it.

Nite nite world ;)

alas, i must possess some subconscious need to procrastinate. seeing as i have been quite productive in the last week, i managed to find SOMEthing to slack on. so, kiddies, on tuesday i will be dragging my slack ass to wherever the hell it is i'm supposed to be in order to pointlessly submit my choice for the next president. my absentee ballot has been with me for a week. i just haven't made myself fill it out. always excusing, "i have plenty of time. i'll just do it later." adding another choice to my list.... morning or afternoon waiting lines? hmm. decisions decisions.
ehh..
the differences between playhouse disney and the disney channel are surprising. i can actually get interested in playhouse disney shows. they're educational! and colorful! and this paper cut-out little cartoon dude has an english accent. fascinating!
so what's the deal? they get your brain in shape through the toddler years, then you become old enough to watch the disney channel shows and you're screwed. it all goes to hell. makes no sense.

oh, sigh. if only this weekend wasn't halloweenless. i was fucking outstanding all week. i told everyone this would be my first (of many) halloween that i wouldn't have any candy. did good all day. then the candy appeared around me. i resisted for the first couple hours. i was good. then i thought "well, now maybe i can just have one and actually just have one."

nope.

i don't do self control in moderation. all or nothing is the only way that works for me. i had one. i had a whole shitload. i am still having. mmm pixie stick, you are my friend. oh, you are my enemy. so are you 7up. you bastard things.
this will all be undone in the next 5 days. i'll be good. this weekend has made me lazy and tired and it annoys me. i need to make myself proud again. dammit.