i just want to be left to my own devices. i want people to stop bothering me. stop calling me. stop butting in my business. stop speaking around me. your voice is a disturbance.

i feel like big, fat hippy.
seriously. lingering in the back of my reverie is the notion of being one with nature. the other night i sat in the backyard.. ran my fingers through the beautiful, long, uncut grass and used every ounce of concentration i had to try to feel one with the earth.

and i did.

i've stopped polluting my body with the gluttony inspired concoctions of chemicals and lard and made every effort to put into it the purest of substances. as a result i feel ...quite a change. in everything. the way i view the world around me. people. myself.
yes, i have a heightened feeling of disgust for this existence. even more so at how it is considered normal. (how the fuck could anyone be content with ..and defend?!?!... the fact that we've become so accustomed to selfish ignorance that it is passed off as NORMAL?!) but it is not bitter. it is not rage. a different kind of passion. a passive, peaceful defiance. i may be but one singular human... i may, cowardly, presume that i have no influence on the scheme of things and say i have no power to change the world. but i can change myself. that is one thing no one can take from me. no one can dominate. no one can take over.

i am not religious. i do not believe in any one god, other than the one we are to ourselves. i am not a martyr trying to force my opinions onto others. i do not judge opinions that contradict my own.
i am rather bored with masochistically hating myself and depression. a new age has begun on Mars ;)
i feel gratitude for my life. every breath i take feels amazing.
...as does the one and a half beers it took to get me heavily tipsy teehehe. i have low tolerance.

& yeah, maybe this is nothing more than a creation conceived from a change of chemicals coursing through my body. a different reaction to them.
all i know is that for the first time in a very long time, i can breath. i don't feel like someone is standing on my chest. it's nice to feel... pure. clear. put together... the right way.
not the way that feels forced or a product of denial ..or my settling for just a quiet head and talking myself into an exaggerated sense of happiness.

i feel free.
this is my world.