so i got bored around 2am, surfing the web for a suitable mp3 player to hook up to my car because CDs perpetually fly around my car from the visor CD holder thingie at any given turn. followed, of course, by my chain of curses at them :P
so i pull into the parking lot and decide, as the freaks of the night emerge from walmart's doors, that 2am may not be the best time for a 20 year old female to be going into walmart alone. so i began to head back home.. but it was too soon to go home. wouldn't want to make a drive anywhere in vain, so i kept driving..
decided to roll down my windows, turn up the tunes & explore the wooded roads of kennestone mountain. ahh.. i forgot how awesome it feels to glide at 60mph down a 35mph
road lined with trees tall enough to block out the feeling that i am sharing this reality with anyone. fun, mind-clearing, and enlightening as it may be.. driving back into the scab on the face of the earth that is civilization filled me with resentment. i even turned BACK around and drove around once again. couldn't stand re-entering the bullshit pile. i confuse myself.. i do love downtown atlanta. sometimes i feel an urge to make serious plans to move myself closer.. then there's times like tonight when nothing would make me more peaceful than plopping my existance right down in the middle of nowhere and desocializing myself completely.
i am tired. i am weary. i've gotten a taste of the way of things and i am appauled at the thought that i should adapt to IT and not it to me. this is just not right. life was never supposed to be like this.. for anyone. good or bad. we are human. day by day that name loses its value. when did we lose our pride? our dignity? and where have they gone? maybe we can find them again and set things right.

till then i will aspire to seperate myself from the ugliness of this planet. go someplace where everything is beautiful and i can regain my childish optimism. i hold a grudge against all that scared it away.

fuck.

this is quickly becoming quite a disappointment. what the fuck.
i'm damned if i fucking do and i'm certainly damned if i fucking don't. i'm sorry and i am NOT complaining but why?!?! why must i have one or the other? why can't i have it all?! i'm working my fucking ass off... and for what?! got my first taste of a paycheck today & it's god damn pathetic joke!
i just.. FUCK. i don't know what to do. i wanna hear from my boyfriend when he's not tired and for more than 5 fucking minutes. i wanna feel like the time i put in isn't wasted on people who just want me there because it benefits them. i wanna sleep in and wake up knowing that the day BELONGS TO ME & i don't have to sell myself first thing in the fucking morning. it's an act. trust that i'm internally screaming at every last one of you fuckers who walks up to me and i have to regurgitate "hello! how are you?" to.

the last straw was just hit...
all i wanted to do was say goodnight. just hear the voice of someone who cared is all. i've been giving a whole hell of a lot of myself the past few days, i think. haven't complained. haven't said a word. i know, i put myself here. i have no right.
but i can't and won't accept the only moments (and yes i do, literally, mean moments) in the day, that i can call my own, be spent lonely and let down..... and not be effected by it. this is where i want to shut down. close up. say fuck it, shut my mouth, shut my eyes and just take it.
i'm gonna go to sleep.
completely and utterly alone.
fuck a pep talk.

think of the ones that humidify
dampen your eyes
and pacify
imagine the lies with wings to fly
as they dangle mid-air
and multiply
how could things be so perfect
so calm so simply
to poison, they morph
as you deeply inhale
infiltrate, desecrate, contaminate that purity
then that curvy little line with a dot underneath
drops from the clouds and lands at your feet
you stare, head cocked
brow a wrinkle
you descend from those clouds
and set in motion a ripple
the dominoes come crashing down
you're lying in pieces all around
they hold you down
don't make a sound
take it
fake it
come back around

this is crazy. i've been busy as hell the past few days but it seems i cannot have my fill. the more i have to do, the more i want to do. in between i go a little crazy.. like i can't stand not having some immediate preoccupation. grr! i'm weird.
over the weekend i was just fine with lounging around & not needing to lift a finger.. now that the work has begun i don't want rest. i need it.. but i don't want it. even when i'm tired, like last night, & feeling a wave of exhaustion pound down on me. like i was seconds from collapsing.. the second i took a break my mind went into overdrive. like rest was a waste of time. i do and do not like that in the same breath. guess, when i'm in my element, i'm content.. set & cannot be bothered with wasted moments. when i'm out, i'm a different kind of content. i guess a more pure, natural contentment. blah, what the hell am i saying.
today was nice. didn't have to work both jobs. like yesterday, when i worked a combined 11 hours with little pause in between. today i was told my brother suggested to my once best friend, who is now merely my brother's girlfriend with whom i am mildly acquainted. of course, she doesn't see it this way. when we aren't biting each other's heads of she considers me one of her best friends... i know better. i tell you people, i do not forgive easily & i most certainly never forget. i doubt there will ever be a time i will call her my best friend again. likewise, friend only when her relationship with my brother is taken out of the equation. sad? almost. i've gotten over it & the scar is barely visible. i've become practically indifferent & even a little bored with the whole scenario.
anywho! he told her she should take me to small claims court... because i do not have rent money for this month for an apartment i don't even live in anymore. what the fuck. way to be a bro, fucking asshole. they can kiss my ass, i'm done. she'll get her money & it will be done and over with. pisses me off more than anything. i could be sad and keep dwelling on the let-down feeling but fuck that. again, a waste of my time. i'm in progress mode and i refuse to look back and let anything get in my way. i'm not even sure what i'm working for.. i'm just blindly plowing ahead and it suits me just fine.
starbucks is going great, i guess. i'm ready to get in there, get the hang of things and get in my groove. but, i know it will take time. time. time. so much and so little, time. where did it all go? when will it end? never? good. i have much to do.
blockbuster is promoting me to shift leader. i wasn't going to accept but i'm gonna go ahead and see how it goes. what's the worst that could happen? it doesn't work out & i go back to csr? fine by me that's where i was planning on staying, anyway.
i'm kinda pleased with myself but too focused on everything to let it go to my head. work work work. time time time. i have become a machine....
so why are those pesky little feelings still hanging around? shoo!

no think.
no feel.
just do what needs to be done.
we'll take care of the rest later.

but jesus, the ride home stinks!! so, yes.. relaxing weekend before the shit hits the fan and i murder my social "life" with work and such. i shall do what i must to go by the plans. i had much to say but i waited too long to say it...
next time, perhaps.

ta ta.

to ryan's house i go!

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god damn it's going to be a looooooooong drive.
i can't wait though :D i'm really excited. i love road trips! & i'll be alone.. a little scary but i'll be fiiiine :D

EXCITING!!!