this is quickly becoming quite a disappointment. what the fuck.
i'm damned if i fucking do and i'm certainly damned if i fucking don't. i'm sorry and i am NOT complaining but why?!?! why must i have one or the other? why can't i have it all?! i'm working my fucking ass off... and for what?! got my first taste of a paycheck today & it's god damn pathetic joke!
i just.. FUCK. i don't know what to do. i wanna hear from my boyfriend when he's not tired and for more than 5 fucking minutes. i wanna feel like the time i put in isn't wasted on people who just want me there because it benefits them. i wanna sleep in and wake up knowing that the day BELONGS TO ME & i don't have to sell myself first thing in the fucking morning. it's an act. trust that i'm internally screaming at every last one of you fuckers who walks up to me and i have to regurgitate "hello! how are you?" to.

the last straw was just hit...
all i wanted to do was say goodnight. just hear the voice of someone who cared is all. i've been giving a whole hell of a lot of myself the past few days, i think. haven't complained. haven't said a word. i know, i put myself here. i have no right.
but i can't and won't accept the only moments (and yes i do, literally, mean moments) in the day, that i can call my own, be spent lonely and let down..... and not be effected by it. this is where i want to shut down. close up. say fuck it, shut my mouth, shut my eyes and just take it.
i'm gonna go to sleep.
completely and utterly alone.
fuck a pep talk.