this is crazy. i've been busy as hell the past few days but it seems i cannot have my fill. the more i have to do, the more i want to do. in between i go a little crazy.. like i can't stand not having some immediate preoccupation. grr! i'm weird.
over the weekend i was just fine with lounging around & not needing to lift a finger.. now that the work has begun i don't want rest. i need it.. but i don't want it. even when i'm tired, like last night, & feeling a wave of exhaustion pound down on me. like i was seconds from collapsing.. the second i took a break my mind went into overdrive. like rest was a waste of time. i do and do not like that in the same breath. guess, when i'm in my element, i'm content.. set & cannot be bothered with wasted moments. when i'm out, i'm a different kind of content. i guess a more pure, natural contentment. blah, what the hell am i saying.
today was nice. didn't have to work both jobs. like yesterday, when i worked a combined 11 hours with little pause in between. today i was told my brother suggested to my once best friend, who is now merely my brother's girlfriend with whom i am mildly acquainted. of course, she doesn't see it this way. when we aren't biting each other's heads of she considers me one of her best friends... i know better. i tell you people, i do not forgive easily & i most certainly never forget. i doubt there will ever be a time i will call her my best friend again. likewise, friend only when her relationship with my brother is taken out of the equation. sad? almost. i've gotten over it & the scar is barely visible. i've become practically indifferent & even a little bored with the whole scenario.
anywho! he told her she should take me to small claims court... because i do not have rent money for this month for an apartment i don't even live in anymore. what the fuck. way to be a bro, fucking asshole. they can kiss my ass, i'm done. she'll get her money & it will be done and over with. pisses me off more than anything. i could be sad and keep dwelling on the let-down feeling but fuck that. again, a waste of my time. i'm in progress mode and i refuse to look back and let anything get in my way. i'm not even sure what i'm working for.. i'm just blindly plowing ahead and it suits me just fine.
starbucks is going great, i guess. i'm ready to get in there, get the hang of things and get in my groove. but, i know it will take time. time. time. so much and so little, time. where did it all go? when will it end? never? good. i have much to do.
blockbuster is promoting me to shift leader. i wasn't going to accept but i'm gonna go ahead and see how it goes. what's the worst that could happen? it doesn't work out & i go back to csr? fine by me that's where i was planning on staying, anyway.
i'm kinda pleased with myself but too focused on everything to let it go to my head. work work work. time time time. i have become a machine....
so why are those pesky little feelings still hanging around? shoo!

no think.
no feel.
just do what needs to be done.
we'll take care of the rest later.