as i wait for my hand to come back awake, i'll just fill you in on my current situation..
i've been in buford since yesterday when angie and i decided to come see my brother(s). it actually half a fun saturday. i woke up slightly hung-over, we went to kohl's to get ourselves new bathing suits so we could lay out at the pool when we got here. i picked up some new sunglasses - the second pair i'd spent money on this weekend, since those stupid eckerd ones suck balls. then we headed over here where we proceeded to sit around a table of (no doubt) "habitual drinkers"... though i prefer the term alcoholics. it was not much fun. i'm sensitive when it comes to my brothers and how they seem to care about nothing more (including myself) than their ..."selves" and getting drunk.
one of their girlfriends i really don't like. i mean hey, i don't know her.. but i reserve my right to be judgemental especially when it comes to ditsy, blonde, wannabe-know-it-alls who think they can boss my brother around.. wait.. she CAN, and THAT'S what pisses me off. i have played nice girl my whole life, and i think its about god damn time that i allow myself to be a complete bitch when i see fit, regardless of who disagrees with me.
SO!... fuck rich snobby self fucking righteous dipshits. grow a fucking spine. pull your makeup layered face out of your tight ass, generate yourself a brain and realize that my brother doesn't give two shits about you and he most likly never will if you continue to try to change him. i'm sorry but how fucking DARE you trapse up to MY brother in front of his fucking family and start spouting out orders like you have an OUNCE of authority over him. you have some nerve chick. and you go right ahead and try to play nice.. wave and be friendly to me.. won't change a thing. i hope she caught on. DON'T care, fuck off!
ANYWAY, now that that's out of the way..
i'm not a fucking piggybank. i'm not swimming in money. no, i don't have many bills and i'm pretty much taken care for if need be.. but that doesn't mean i have no problem with supplying a handfull of already non-sober fucking strangers drinks I paid for that will have absolutely no effect on them considering their lack of tolerance anyway. i understand they are used to supplying the neighborhood with beer, and their beer pretty much equals everyone's beer. but i am not them. i am stingy. i'm a bitch.. and i don't care. i don't care what my siblings think of me. i don't care what their friends think of me. i don't care what their friends whom i have never met think of me. i don't care what YOU think of me. seriously.
do we all have an understanding? okay. good.
my fucking money = my fucking drinks. i don't care who the fuck you are.. don't treat my shit like it's your's and offer it to the neighborhood drunks, okay?! i DON'T feel sorry for them. it's one thing to be my own family or friend and take it without asking.. that i don't mind. but no.. i'm sorry.. i draw the line when it comes to people who i know would turn their backs on my brothers in a heartbeat if it benefitted them. which brings me to the beast...
that bitch can be as friendly to or around me as she wants.. i don't fucking like her either and i never will. there's nothing to be said, even.. i just don't like her.. period. never will. nor will i act like i do. i will be civil. i will not cause a scene. but that's all. i don't like her. are we clear?
something about the people my brothers choose to make friends with.. i just don't understand. why?! someone help me understand.. what do these people have to offer ANYONE? how can you waste sooooooo much time and brain cells on these insignificant, dull people? what is it that you like about them?! i'm just at a loss.... i would really like to know what is so fucking special about them so maybe i won't be either thoroughly annoyed or down right bored by them.

god damn, this place makes me so fucking cranky. ugh. i really wanna go home now. i can't handle all this bullshit all at once. maybe in small doses. i've stumbled upon several truths in the past two days. it's sad, but enlightening. i should kiss any friendship with my brothers i once had goodbye, because they just don't notice anymore. they don't see how much i count on them to care. i wouldn't want to come visit them so bad if i didn't really just need strong, trustworthy people to fall back on. i'm not in a good place. i'm holding on, but i feel like i'm slowly sliding backwards. i feel so alone and so overlooked. underestimated. underapreciated.
i know there's ryan.. and it's great that for once, my boyfriend ISN'T the cause of my stress. but he's not here to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. that's all i want. but something tells me a hug from anyone else wouldn't be as ..heh.. medicinal, i guess the word would be. but let's just keep that as my little secret. i don't like letting people know what power they have over my feelings and emotions. >:(
so now i'm sitting here on angie's laptop. just finished watching lord of the rings on this non-cable-having tv. the static really adds to it, i DO say. :P
i really should be going to sleep. i completely forgot that, although i have work off at scotts tomorrow, i do not have ouc off.. how that slipped my mind i cannot fathom. it's retarded. i've had the whole weekend to realize it, and it just dawns on me now. mere hours from having to be there. stupid, stupid stupidness.
i miss my baby. i worry sometimes, though, that i'm blind. maybe when he comes back i'll find that this is all in my head. not that i doubt myself, but other people in general. i overestimate their ability in decency. i hope that's not this case. i don't really think i could survive another let down like that. i mean, i don't love him or anything. but i think the potential is there. ah, fuck i don't want to get into this.
i'll be fine. everything i'm finding things wrong with will mend.. or i will. either way, everything will be fine. this is the cycle i live in. i'm discontent for a while, then i'm absolutely and imposibly content. bipolar? yes, probably.
oh well. all that means is i'm fucked up in a fucked up world. i'm in good company. all is well. i'm starting to feel better already.
angie and i will hopefully be getting an apartment together, with or without chris. i hope he can be steered away from this place. it's no good. empty is the only word i can think of to discribe it. utterly empty. i don't see how anyone can live like that. i would need substance and trust with people i dedicate so much time to. ick. just makes me uncomfortable in every sense of the word.
okay i'm done giving my two sense. feel like i'm coming off as a self-centered bitch... not that i really care what anyone thinks of me. but i hate being this negative. it makes me judge myself. blah.
goodnight, cruel world. please, be more pleasant when i awake. pretty please?...

ps. does anyone read this anymore?