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Saturday, November 29, 2008
Poked Nerves
I bare the weight of a world on my shoulders right now, it feels. I couldn't begin to know where to begin. It's enough to leave me breathless. Its wrong. It feels more right than right has ever felt before. Maybe I'm just in a daze and ...fuck what it could be. I've NEVER said that before. I always go over the pros and cons and who would suffer and "surely the only right way is to make everyone happy and who cares how I feel, it's not about me, fuck me. Who am I? No one understands so I should shut the fuck up with all my whining and con-fucking-form to an idea that everyone else doesn't sneer at! At least then I would feel 'in place' and everyone will smile and inside I'll know it all started out on the wrong fucking foot and I'm just fooling myself but what the fuck i'm here merely to serve the masses and please everyone else so lets just live on autopilot and abandon all original thought and everyone will be happy but me. and it won't make one bit of difference. :) at least i won't be loneley (oh yes i will) at least i'll have something to focus on (disappointment and wondering why the fuck i never seem to be in the room.... WHEN I'M IN THE ROOM)"
WRONG.
i'm tired. this isn't romantic anymore. i've seen the ass end of someone i thought was ...it. and it ain't pretty. there's still a bitter aftertaste lingering in my reverie. there was a disconnect. disconnecting from any romantic facade we had bubbling on the back burner. it's, honestly, nothing short of a fucking miracle that i'm not absolutely enraged by what was said.

an air came about. blew the steam away. i'm still catching my breath. what is this? i like it. it's foreign, feels like home. to be understood. to hear my words come, without suggestion, with another voice.
goosebumps. two days. my foundations are rumbling... my dreams made realistic. i'm not walking on air. i'm dancing with it.

earth help me.
i feel a change.

the best mariangela.