seriously.
it takes an conscious effort, these days, for me to feel NOT anxious. is it the weather? is there something in the air? what the fuck is going on with me!?!? i don't like it :(
i mean, even if i DO need medication, there's no way in hell i'm taking any. i don't need a crutch. i can pull myself out of this. i just wish this shit didn't always come back.
i'm too fucking sensitive to my surroundings. i feel schizophrenic... like i'm two people in my head right now.
half is anxious and nervous and doubting EVERYTHING. half is cussing the other half out for being such a pussy. i wanna crawl up in bed and go to sleep, and then i wanna go storming out the door and introduce myself to everyone i see just to break the silence.
television has become its own little paradox. this thing is supposed to be entertaining, yet everything on makes me even more bored and left feeling slightly less intelligent than i did before i turned it on.
on that note... i should go to the library more. i wanna learn some stuff. i don't care what.. i need to get my brain working again. i feel like a freakin' zombie.
i know i complain a lot about what i'm feeling and thinking and blah blah blah. trust me, i wish i could stop feeling... AND thinking. i'm sick of it. there's always something bugging me in the back of my mind. and i have nothing to complain about. i've got it so fucking easy right now, it's disgusting. i don't like it. i'm not productive... more like a waste of life. i don't like it.
tomorrow, i'm getting up early and going to look for a job. enough of this procrastination bullshit. i'm pissed off at myself. i need a challenge.
i'm gonna go look for one.