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Wednesday, January 24, 2007
on edge
i don't know what's going on right now. i'm in a REALLY bad (pissed-off-ish) mood. Starting to get down. wtf? this morning i was fine. great even. now i don't want ANYONE to talk to me, cuz i feel like screaming at them. i'm snapping at my niece and i know, immediately, that it's uncalled-for. i wanna lay down and take a nap. in fact, i might, before i take the dog to the vet.
i want a hug :(

i don't wanna watch a kid all day. i want a day to myself, just me, no one else. i wanna curl up in a ball under a blanket on my bed. possibly have a cry, but i probably won't be able to. i really hate my head stuff right now.

i'm not supposed to feel like this. i should be happy and trusting and believe that what i want is possible. but i feel this big invisible wall that i don't know how to climb over. i wanna be taken over by butterflies in my stomach and i DON'T wanna deny that they ARE there anymore.
i want to KNOW that this is something special and it not to be just "an idea that i might have".
most of all, i wanna stop fucking thinking about it. i'm starting to care and i don't even know if it's safe to, right now. or if i even have a good enough reason to.
timing is everything. i don't wanna leap without looking.
can't i just fall in love again? i could see myself doing that. i just have too many damn defenses up.
FUCK.

the best mariangela.