it's amazing that somehow, no matter how down i get, i always find my way back. my mom once said her children are resilient as hell.. i almost started doubting whether i still was.
there comes a point when i no longer have it in me to feel sorry for myself. i take a stand and kinda mentally give myself a good slap to wake myself up.
i know that, no matter what i have or have had.. no matter how many disappointing things have happened or how dramatically hurt i become.... i'm GOING to end up where i want to be. where i'm meant to be.
my mind changes constantly. anyone who knows me knows this. it's frustrating. it makes me crazy. i know i'm ridicilous and impossible to please. even right now, i don't know what the hell i'm doing. i think i'll be wandering around my whole life looking for something, and by the time i find it, i'll have long since changed my mind. but it's okay..
i may or may not have what i want right now. who knows? i sure don't. i just know i am (was?) content in the moment, and maybe that moment is over. maybe not. that's dependent on the next few actions taken.
what i do KNOW is that, what i want is out there. it DOES exist. whether i have it already or not, i know it's there. it will find it's way to me eventually. for all i know, it's right under my nose and i haven't yet stumbled upon it.
i'll be okay. today, tomorrow.. in a few years... it's all just around the corner. a few heartbreaks and disappointments away. after all... the sweet ain't as sweet without the bitter.

i was watching this woman's blog on youtube. she acted just like a kid. i think she was older than me. she's a painter. aren't they supposed to be hopelessly miserable? she was just.... careless seeming. i'm inspired.
i've been thinking "remember what it was like to just NOT be unhappy?" not to be so effected by everything. not to be detached.. just to not take things SO seriously. i always marvel at how quickly i went from being that to ...sad. pathetic. self-pitying. depressed. neurotic. anxious.
i don't like that those are the first words that come to mind when i think of how i feel. this is ridiculous. what have i got to be sad about?
so i'm lonely. SO WHAT?!
not the center of someone's universe? WHO CARES?!
it's not killing me?! *gasp* I'M STILL HERE!

i wanna leave that behind me. i have nothing to be sad about. i've been silly. and i DON'T really want people to feel sorry for me, which is what i think i've been subconsciously trying to make happen. silly, silly.. that's not me. i forgot myself.
i just remembered. i'm not dead yet..

in my strangely inexplicable optimism,
i bit the world goodnight and a lovely morning. :)