***i'm keeping this posted so i can come back and refresh my memory when i'm feeling not too sure.***
oh where to start... i'm a bitch.
i've been justifying walking over and disregarding perfectly good people, all because i was irreversibly hurt two years ago.
i was naive. i was open. i was hopeful, and now i know better...... i wish i didn't.
i'm taking out my feelings of betrayal and injustice,, that i still have pathetically kept in my subconscious, on people that i truly believe would never intentionally harm me in any way. i am so sorry to EVERYONE i have hurt. it has never been any one of you. its been me, all along.
i'm fucked. i don't know what to do. i've been lost for a long time. there is no excuse for my being insensitive and hurtful. i know i lead on, i don't know why. its horrible and it keeps me up at night. i'm not conscious.
but the last thing i want is help. i NEED to figure this out on my own. its time to step up to the plate and get this shit out of my head for good.
that is why i need to say goodbye to one person who fuels it all.
he will never read this, because he doesn't and never has cared enough to look, but here it is anyway, for the hope that maybe one day he'll stumble upon it and realize why the girl he used to know, that he had so much history with, has gone away.
i truly do think you are amazing. and i can't fucking fathom why. i have had deeper conversations. i've heard words i want to hear from perfectly able people. something about you FUCKING PARALYZES ME! in every way possible. i can't think. i can't move and i can't FUCKING THINK FOR MYSELF WHEN I KNOW I'LL HEAR FROM YOU IN A DAY OR TWO! YOU'VE MADE ME BITTER. YOU'VE MADE ME HATE MY FUCKING SELF FOR TOO GOD DAMN LONG!!!!!!!! YOU'VE UNDERESTIMATED ME. YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR GRANTED. THE ONE PERSON I ALLOW MYSELF TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR...AND YOU'VE SHREDDED THEM TO PIECES BEFORE. what the fuck kind of logic is that???! you turn me into someone i'm not and YOU DON'T FUCKING DESERVE IT! you don't deserve anything i've ever given you. i wasted myself on you. i threw myself away the day i met you and i wish... oh fucking god i wish i could take that away. i'm not one to regret, but i would take it back in a heartbeat if it meant i could be who i was before i met you. hell, i'd take it back just to take it back. you're pathetic. you disgust me.
you are a sad excuse of a human being.
this, i will not regret saying. its long overdue and i hope you feel like shit because you KEEP LOSING THE BEST THING YOU HAVE GOING FOR YOU!
happens every time. i deserve so much better.
how does it feel to be given up on?
have a nice life. hope it was worth it.
