oh god. what am i doing?

i'm sitting here staring at the computer screen waiting for the words of an answer to somehow magically appear.
they never do. i feel so stupid. i have nothing to complain about. my life couldn't be easier. i'm not even trying to pretend like it's hard. everyday is predictable down to the very last thought i have before i drift off to sleep.
this weekend was the first exception in a long time. and i feel a huge weight of guilt about that too. not because i regret anything, i don't. i'm just saying things would have gone differently if i hadn't been SO drunk. it was one of those "one thing lead to another" type deals. most of which i don't really remember. i kind of do, but it's fuzzy.
and this sucks for me, because i've always been the one who prides herself on not being... THAT kind of girl. i don't want to be judged. i know i should'nt give a fuck what people think of me. and deep down i don't really think i do. i just feel bad. i know how i look at girls who get drunk and do things without thinking about it...
maybe i've let myself down. whatever. it happens to all of us eventually. it's something to learn from and i still don't regret it. i just would have changed a few things.
maybe that's why my day has sucked. i've been beating myself up.
i'm not a bad person am i?

but back to the main point of this blog...
i'm tired. i'm sick. i need something. something i've been missing for a long time now. but, the inevitable truth will always be there in the back of my mind. the grass will always seem greener on the other side. nothing makes me happy... especially now that i've stopped being able to make myself happy. every morning i've been going to bed thinking that all i need is a good night's sleep and i'll wake up and everything will be as it was not too long ago.
but, no. i wake up thinking "oh great, another day." i hate it. i hate being pessimistic and heartless and cold to people. i hate not knowing what i want. i hate realizing where my life is time and time again and knowing that it's all in my control, but at the same time so completely NOT in my control at all. i want to make people proud of me, and.. FUCK! not to know EXACTLY what tomorrow's gonna be like.
and this whole time i know i have nothing to complain about. i could be so much worse off than i am. my life could be so much more stressful and chaotic. but maybe that's what i thrive on. i can't stand this monotony.

this is where i'll shut up. i'll stop.
i have nothing left to give....