went rummaging through the attic space upstairs. some of my stuff is in there. some binders from highschool classes. evidence of my past lives. past personality. passed happiness.
UGH!! i want to be that way again!
i wanna be careless. why can't i?
i miss the life i used to have. all the friends. i felt like such a badass. like the world was at my feet.
now i'm talking to a Mark from years ago. like, when i first started using the internet.
i remember the little online circle of friends we all made. late nights spent wasting time in front of a computer screen. that was when Larisa was pregnant with Gloria... living in Kuwait. still in the army. i was oblivious. i was content. i was happier than i've ever been.
now i'm just an empty shell. i think you can see it in my eyes too. i was thinking about that last night. i used to fall asleep smiling... naturally. i had to force myself to stop, but i never wanted to.
now it's the other way around. i want my smile back.
i want to look in the mirror and see bright eyes.
has the damage been done?

someone tell me this is reverseable.
i did what i never meant to do.