talked to Natalie today for the first time in like 2 years probably. she's in a bad situation. it pisses me off cuz i still consider her one of my best friends. she's awesome. i'm gonna help her out.
but what's bugging me at the moment: lonliness i guess.
i'm so sick of this single bullshit. i mean, 80% of the time it's cool and i like having no one to answer to and my business is my business. but, there's always that little 20% tugging at my heart. as corny as that may sound. i should remember by now that it's not just a matter of "oh plenty of guys would go out with you, just pick one" i've thought about just picking one before. but it just wouldn't work. i CAN'T be with someone and give them my time if i'm not feeling it. i need that connection. i, honestly, envy the girls who can. because i can't. forcing myself into an uncomfortable situation just makes it worse and makes me end up resenting the person. ugh. why am i so hard to please. I can't even please myself. i'm doomed.
i've accepted the fact that i'm probably gonna end up alone. even though i'm young, and that's not something to be worrying about right now (i'm not worrying) ...it's still probably true. i'm too flighty when it comes to that. i only know one person who didn't make spending the rest of my life with someone such a FUCKING GOD AWFUL TERRIFYING thought. & well... we saw how that turned out. i guess that's just how things were meant to go. i don't know how much i believe in god but i do think things happen for a reason and i'm going to trust that maybe this universe knows what it's doing. i'm sure things will be okay. this is just the kind of crap that clouds my mind as i daydream. nothing serious. just sad. hopeless. alone. *sigh*
someone save me from everything.
i think i need a big ol' hug.
