add this to the list of places i want to see before I die...

Today I feel like I have been hit by TWO tons of bricks... in the most beneficial way possible. Maybe even three. I am so glad to have been standing in the way.
Last night I read my blog from the beginning.. not all the way through, but maybe the first year or so. I don't know whether to be worried or relieved that I cannot remember writing most of that pointless, insignificant, waste-of-time CRAP. My jaw was on the floor from the first sentence to the last. I'm a little embarrassed and surely tempted to omit, but they were and will remain a powerful reminder. I have never stopped changing. I still am. I hope never to stop.

I find it baffling that I am puzzled about my present, yet looking on my past (when I was still puzzled and depressed) the answers are so obvious. I have been looking in all the wrong places and the more proof of that I have, the more I think I've tried to prove it wrong. What the hell, Mariangela.

I don't have a word to say. All I can do is smile. I know what I want. I am taking back the reins. Haha, mother just said "Oh God she's smiling that way again. There's some new penis online." No. :) Not at all.

I simply know what I want. What obstacles lie before me and how to overcome them. There is no alternative. I can. I will.
This will all be a lesson. A memory upon which I will look back and feel like I SHOULD.



I have never felt this way in the middle of winter.
This summer should be quite interesting.

Twas a mindset quite identical to this that got me cluster-fucked in the first place. One minor little factor will surely be recognized and dealt with, should it cross my path again. All hindrances eliminated, I am one.

"There are no individual magnetic poles
(or magnetic charges).
Electric charges can be separated, but magnetic poles always come in pairs
- one north and one south.



Opposite poles attract and like
poles repel.



These bar magnets will remain "permanent" until something happens to eliminate the alignment of atomic magnets."

you will only see,
you will only see, if you know how to look..
if you know how to look.
there is a side to me that only the closest, most trusted will be witness to. it is not pretty. it is not romantic. it is dark. i say this devoid of all pride and arrogance. these people are not lucky. sometimes they are upset by it. ideally, they will shrug and carelessly go about their lives as if nothing ever happened. which is good for them. it crushes me. "no one cares?" the pieces of me mix and scatter in the breeze. they fall between the cracks in my foundation. no one knows the pathetic depth i seek out in everything. it is my masochistic passion. i need to feel. if i cannot feel, i am not alive. a lifeless object, lacking a purpose in a pointless existence.
there are two types of passion that remind me i'm alive.
the other kind is ....fucking beautiful. the purest most profound, untainted thing ever to be. it makes my eyes well up and my heart strain to keep rhythm, just thinking about it. the stronger i feel it, the more healthy i am. in every sense. it becomes okay to feel. okay to be so passionate. okay to open up and let the world in. it is okay to BE........... it is thoroughly dangerous.
because when it goes away.. i am an empty shell. a vegetable on auto-pilot. sometimes unwillingly.

lately i've been thinking a lot about the psychology of a girl who's only father figure was apart of the picture only long enough to be remembered, then vanish without a trace or explanation. at the time it couldn't have mattered less. so what?
thoughts evolved and i began to wonder what effects her silly little childhood desires have on her today. like how every time she was genuinely sad... broken and pathetic holding her head in her hands and her heart in her stomach.. she felt if she cried, maybe if she just let it out, someone will come sweep her up in their arms and just the fact that they are there will make her strong enough to realize if she is not yet dead, she has gained an incredible amount of strength.
they never did.
sad little sob story from the overly emotional girl, i know. always damaged by something. never happy. never pleased.
i can only justify it with the theory that she grew up a combination of both factors of her childhood and turned into the worst case scenario for anyone at whom she aims her interest.
not only did you fail to notice i'm experiencing AN emotion.. but because you do not notice you are bound to up and desert me. BECAUSE i am so weak, you will abandon me.

so what now?
"care less". create distance. protect. shield.

'cest la fucking vie.
i accept that i will end up alone. i can only hope i am not miserable.
i am just too god damn fucked up for you. one challenge that cannot be conquered.

Well, my main new year's resolution was Pescetarianism. Now, I have found there is a lot of fine print as far as "vegetarianism" of any kind. Far more so than Veganism (I think fine print in general is nonsense. Exceptions of any kind are a contradiction. Either you're a Vegetarian/Vegan or not. Either you eat/use/wear animal products or not. The only difference between Vegetarian and Vegan should be consumption.)
However, I do not aspire to Vegetarianism or the Vegan lifestyle, but Pescetarianism. Though, I must admit I have broken my own rules. *blush* Guilty. And it's quite unnecessary, to be honest. I have only acted twice out of desire for a dairy: cottage cheese. I'm sorry but it's good and, while yes ANY at all counts, both times were no more than a spoonful each. AND if it counts at all, I DID feel absolutely TERRIBLE about it afterward. :P There. Confession made.
So my official new years resolution is still a work in progress. But I think I have done quite well. It hasn't been difficult at all to turn down actual meat. I'm becoming more conscious of the possible presence of dairy in things. Checking the ingredients and such. Baby steps :) I think this will turn out.
But the point of this blog is, there are other changes I wish to make this year. I can only have one RESOLUTION so my priority lies in THAT but I have many IDEAS to which I plan to pay attention in 2009. :)
I would like to take better care of myself, overall. 2008 I got a little off-track in multiple ways. *shame on me*
There are the previously mentioned achievements from previous blogs.
And the latest one, which actually got me back on blogger for the second time today. Maybe I'm just suffering from too much time on my hands, today. WHATEVER!
Anywho! I was browsing blogs (definitely too much time on my hands) and I stumbled upon one whose author decided to try one new thing everyday for the whole year. I'm totally copying her. :) Can't be too hard, there's plenty I can say I haven't ever done. And at this point I've only got a mere 361 things to try. Bwuahah.
The adventure begins tomorrow!

Goodnight, world. <3

if you clearly asked for lemonade, but life decided to gave you lemons. A few of them, rather small. Individually, inadequate sizes to make lemonade, but lucky you, there are enough to make a decent amount.
But, what if you're fresh out of sugar? And you're not too proud to go ask the neighbors for some, if only the kind they have didn't make your lemonade taste like shit.
So now making lemonade is out of the question. What do to with the lemons?

The only purpose they could possibly serve lies down the disposal where the blades are nice and sharp, thanks to those eggshells you tossed down there instead of walking on.


Doesn't need to make sense to anyone but me.


"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson