but i think getting up as early as i have been this week has been good for me. i've been more awake and in a better mood in general. guess having an average person's schedule is better for me than i thought, ironically. i don't like society. i don't like that everyone's life is layed out for them and expected to be played out as so. i want nothing to do with what's expected. blah. boring. waste of time. waste of life.
i wanna travel. i wanna see the sights and experience the lives and learn all i can about everything on this big ball of dirt we inhabit. is that so wrong? i mean, i see the appeal to the cookie-cutter life. sure, who doesn't like the security of knowing exactly what everyday of the rest of my life will be like? ...oh yeah.. ME! maybe i'll change my mind in the years to come. but for now i'd like to take advantage of my youth and use it to its full potential :)
guess i'm on my way to, if not currently at, the top of this little rollercoaster ride. i hate how i go back and forth. i love feeling this way. optimistic. alive. like everything's gonna be just fine. not a worry in the world as long as i got air in my lungs and a joke to laugh at.
not even MANATEE can get me down, right now. not even the loss of a "friend". sucks how the closer people get, the heavier their foot feels as it presses down on your heart. & then there's the final straw. & then you no longer have the ability to forgive and forget. which makes the sting even sharper as they humbley submit that you were right. i just can't keep doing this to myself. there's no point in putting myself through this, while i still have a smidgen of hope left that there are sincere people out there. who's sole interest isn't themselves. worth calling "friend". i don't want to kill that. so i will stop investing it in people who take advantage of it. i gotta close up. she doesn't exist anymore. just me and a room mate. that's all it is. kinda sad.. kinda not. i refuse to beat myself up one more minute.

i'm eerily at peace...


aaaaaaaaanywho! tonight i get to take my mom to some meeting. she acts like it's some great act of charity that she give me gas money. oh merciful mother, your generosity astounds me! hah! i find the tables have turned quite swiftly.. except i actually DO give her rides. i recall far too easily how she NEVER gave me rides when i was younger. not that i'm holding a grudge, obviously. i'm helping her out. but i just think karma's takin it easy on her. lucky her. oh well. can't complain. it's given me a reason to get out of the house. & since i haven't told HER, i think she thinks i'm off having fun on purpose and out of spite, leaving her at home alone. bwuahaha, payback is a bitch. i'm so vindictive. tehehe.

wow, i've written a lot. boredom can be quite inspiring sometimes. :P